Sleeping souls

I will never forget
The first time we met
You smiled at me
And my face turned red
To see you again
Was all I could think of
looking in your eyes
Lightning struck, I fell in love

Every time you leave
There is no meaning
When I’m all alone
It’s hard to breathe in
When you’ re not here
My heart is bleeding
Not here with me
My soul is sleeping

Each moment we share
Brings me closer to you
Looking in your eyes
I can see right through
I know what you feel
And what is on your mind
I know about your questions
And the answers you wish to find

When you leave
Do you have a meaning?
When your all alone
Is it hard to breathe in?
When your not here
Is your heart bleeding?
Not here with me
Is your soul sleeping too?

If only I knew
Do you feel it too?
Looking in my eyes
Do you want to see through?
Do you want to know
What goes on in my mind?
And which answers to what questions
I try to find?

Too afraid to ask
What the answer would be
Scared to know
If you feel different than me
To know that for you
It isn’t as deep
And to realize then
Your soul doesn’t sleep

14.08.2009

The wall knows

As I sit here, staring at the wall,
I just know, it doesn’t’t make sense at all
Why the agony, and the constant pain?
If this is called life, than life is insane

Isn’t it supposed to be worth a lot?
Well if it does, I guess I forgot
This is nothing but a nightmare to me
And nothing ever turns out, the way it should be

It goes up and down, and it never finds an end
The choice always mine, either break or bend
Sometimes it ’s heaven, right now I’m in hell
And if someone asks, then sure… I’m well!

I get so tired of playing this game
The rules are confusing and never the same
Then someone appears and opens a door
Leaving me restless and yearning for more

And here we go again, right from the start
Fighting that useless battle against the heart
There are no winners and forget about luck
Sooner or later we will all get stuck

To think I’m strong and could win this fight
Is like looking for the sun in the middle of the night
It really doesn’t make sense at all
Is what I realize while staring at the wall

12.06.2008

Books

Back off, please, dont come near
Its the lack of distance that I fear
But I draw you close, I cant resist
Always looking for something that was never missed
Running in that one way street again
And ignored the sign that said dead-end

No turning back it all ends here
I told you not to come close, my dear
Why did you not listen, was it that hard to see?
Trapped in my adventure you are no longer free
And this story of madness keeps repeating itself
You will be another finished book on my shelf
But my favorite one
until the next one will arrive
My bestseller, until I destroy your life
I look at my books and cherish them all
No matter if they are big or small

And somehow it seems to nourish my soul
This path of demolition makes me feel whole
It is that magic that I need to feel
The butterflies that make me feel real
And without a warning it disappears
Leaving you crushed and filled with tears
Leaving me clawing my nails in my skin
Forgive me, mother , for I have sinned

10.04.2008

A time to be fine

(Dear Mikki)

I know that a lot of things that I say, think or do, are not right,
For example what I did last night.
I don’t expect from anybody to understand me, I don’t expect it from you,
Nobody sees the world and handles life, like the way that I do.

It’s not a pretty sight, and sometimes I make such a mess.
But I didn’t ask for it, to devote my life to other people’s happiness
It’s just the way I am, and I can’t handle it at all,
I am convinced there will be a day, where I’ll breakdown and fall.

It doesn’t always work you know, you are not always happy,
And then I hurt inside, and reverse your sadness and anger on me.
If only it would always work, if all my loved ones could be fine
Then I would always be ok, and there would never be a time,
Where I need to suffer, for not accomplishing my goals in life,
Where I can’t resist the urge to take that goddamned knife…

There will be a time,
Where I can be fine,
Where I can have peace with myself and everybody around me,
Where I can open my eyes and smile at what I see.

And I will be a mother one day,
No matter what other people say.
I will be one of the best, you will see,
Because I will never create a monster, like my parents did with me.

I am what I am, there is nothing I can do.
And I am sorry for causing you pain, by simply loving you.

22.05.2001

Please

I want you so much, and I want you to go
I want you to love me, and I want you to know

You make me go crazy, and you drive me insane
you rip me apart, and it’s always the same

Please leave me alone
Please leave me behind
make the hurting stop
could you be that kind?

I’m so paralyzed, afraid of losing control
can’t stop this thought, I just want to end it all

we can’t move on, and we can’t turn back
we can’t make it better, and we can’t change the facts

Please leave me alone

You mean so much to me, I can’t go for less
We belong together forever, God, what a fucking mess

I know there is nothing I can do you won’t make up your mind
We’ll probably never be together, damn, life is so unkind

Please …

24.03.2007